In Which Garfield Gets Eaten By A Mad Vampire
by The-Pimp-Phone
Summary: Edward needs blood, and can only find a cat around...


Edward was hungry.

No, hungry wasn't even the right word to describe it. He was absolutely famished. Hungry enough that he could eat a horse -- not that he hadn't eaten dozens of horses during his existence, he had even developed a taste for them while he was alive. Edward quickly realized that it was a terribly unfitting hyperbole as there was no exaggeration involved in the adage. He was just too starved to think of a more suiting one, however.

He was positive that his golden, wheat, honey eyes were now a deep, unappealing, emo black due to his hunger. He didn't like it when his eyes got all black, it made him feel like a gothic wanna-be. A starving, gothic wanna-be, at that. And he couldn't afford to wait until he got all the way back to the thick, lush forests near Forks that were densely populated with very scrumptious animals for him to chow down on their blood. He was beginning to consider drinking the forbid blood of what vampires were really supposed to drink; the rich and creamy rust-flavoured blood of the human race.

Edward promptly cursed himself in the various worldly languages he had learned in his century long life and afterlife. He should have known better than the leave Forks and venture deep into the bowls of urban America when he was this close to hunting. In fact, he was supposed to be off hunting right now with his foster-esque siblings, but Edward just couldn't resist a good shoe sale. He would risk almost anything -- including revealing himself and feasting upon poor, mortal blood -- to get a decent pair of loafers. He already had eighty-seven pairs, but he could just never have enough!

Yes, loafers were better than sex, as far as Edward was concerned. Not that he would really know, being a virgin and all, but he could guess, and he was certain.

Wanting to return to his shoe shopping spree -- everybody needs to treat themselves, right? -- and wanting to look like a person with a normal eye colour, Edward quickly decided to resort to drastic measures; He was going to eat the best smelling thing around him within a few mile radius.

Unsure what do to at first, the unconventional vampire closed his dazzling eyes, and took in a deep searching breath for anything appetizing in the general area. It didn't take him long to zero in on one scent in particular. It was even more intoxicating than Bella and quite literally made his mouth water. He immediately began running toward the aroma with a fervored glee.

He stopped in front of a small, cozy-looking little yellow house. Edward licked his marble lips with great anticipation at the delectable human he was sure to find inside. Yes, he was finally going to man up, grow a pair, and drink human blood like the vampires in the movies did!

Edward zipped up to the front door with his crazy, lightning speed. He stared at the plan white door and it's stereotypical door-knocker for a long moment. He tried to think of the easiest way of sneaking into the house without drawing attention to himself, and sadly, his intense famine was preventing him from doing so. In a bout of tantrum-ish frustration, he slammed his fist against the door's surface. With a loud, rather annoying snap, the door split open down the middle before falling forward, into the doorway.

"Well, that was easy." Edward mumbled to himself in slight embarrassment, glad none of his other undead comrades were around to see that. Shrugging it off, he went inside.

Edward took another big whiff of the air, and followed the alluring scent throughout the house until he reached the kitchen. It was filled with bright appliances and random food products that he cared nothing about. He let his eyes scan for the human that smelled so damned yummy, and much to his bafflement, he couldn't see anyone. But he was totally sure that the scent was coming from this room. Heck, he could even hear the person's thoughts!

'Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got lasagna in my tummy!' A distinctively male voice rang in Edward's head, singing the words with what could only be described as pure euphoria.

Blinking a couple of times, Edward's eyes fell upon the kitchen table, where there appeared to be some sort of fluffy cushion with a plush rim all around its circular edges. It was a cat bed, and if that wasn't surprising enough, there was a cat in it.

The cat was a bright, slightly unnatural shade of orange with short, semi-lunar black stripes running horizontally down its sides. Its most predominant feature was its large belly that must have bordered on kitty obesity. Maybe even morbid kitty obesity, with a slight risk for kitty diabetes. Its eyes were presently closed, and more thoughts of lasagna floated into the vampire's special mind, and Edward felt his stone eyebrows raise.

As completely ridiculous as this already seemed, it became twice as bizarre when Edward realized that the enchanting smell was coming from the dozing fat cat in front of him.

He just couldn't believe it! This cat's scent was so damned good that he was beginning to drool as he watched the cat's body heave up and down as it breathed in relaxation. It was just plan irresistible, and licking his lips once more, Edward extended a cold hand out to touch the feline. His plan was short lived, however, as just as his hand was about to make contact with the fluffy orange fur, the cat's eyes lazily fluttered open. They looked up, directly at Edward.

'Hey, Jon, we're all out of... Oh wait, you're not Jon.' Edward once again heard the cat's thoughts in his mind -- a phenomenon that the vampire oddly gave no second thought about, despite the fact that he was hearing what an animal was thinking. 'Well, whoever you are, do you have any lasagna on you?'

"Not lasagna, but I certainly have dinner..." Edward spoke back ominously, once again licking his lips. Though this time was partially because they were beginning to get chapped.

'I hope it's not tuna again. Jon always gets me tuna, expecting me to like it just because I'm a cat. Thankfully I can get Odie to eat it pretty quickly.' At the sound of another person's name, Edward slightly panicked at the thought of getting caught by a human now. He sighed in a deep relief when he heard a soft 'baroof' from behind him, and turned around to only see a small white dog with dopey features and tongue hanging out of its mouth.

Odie cocked his head at the stranger before turning around and sauntering off.

Edward continued undeterred, stepping a little closer to the cat. "It's not tuna. It's a little more... furry, and talkative."

'Nermal?!' Garfield yelped in his mind, 'Can't we just eat Odie instead? I mean, sure, he doesn't have a lot of meat, but I bet he could at least fill a lasagna.'

"Enough about the lasagna!" Edward snapped angrily, already beyond fed up with the obese feline. "I mean you, fur ball!"

Edward didn't even give poor, poor Garfield a chance to defend himself before suddenly pouncing on him. His non-fanged teeth made their way to the squirming cat's jugular vein, and sank in enough to disrupt blood flow.

He immediately began sucking with much greed and gluttony.

Much to his surprise, the cat actually tasted better than he had smelled. It was more addictive than any human he had drank, and tasted almost like a bloody-kitty-glucose lasagna. He sucked and drank and sucked some more until the cat finally surrendered and allowed every last drop of its life force to be drained from him.

Finished with Garfield, Edward still wasn't quite full. He still had room for another course before his loafer hunt resumed. He thought about the dog that he had seen only moments ago, and was beginning to contemplate feeding on it as well, when something even more appetizing filled his nostrils.

The front door opened, and then slammed closed.

"Garfield I'm home!"


End file.
